Four ladies are sitting together talking about their sons. The first one brags, “My son is a bishop, every time he walks into a room people say, ‘Your excellence’.”
The second lady brags, “My son is a cardinal, every time he walks into a room people say, ‘Your eminence’.”
The third lady brags, “My son is the pope, every time he walks into a room people say, ‘Your holiness’.”
The final lady says, “My son doesn’t have a title, he weighs 500 pounds and is only 5 feet tall. But every time he walks into a room everybody says, ‘Oh my god!’”
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A grandmother gives her grandson directions, “Once you get to the building open the door with your elbows. Once you get to the elevator hit the up button with your elbow. I’m on the third floor so you’re going to have to hit the number 3 on the elevator with your elbow. Then once you get off I’m the first to the left, just his the doorbell with your elbow.”
The grandson replies, “That sounds easy enough, but why with my elbows?”
The grandmother says, “Oh... So you’re going to be open-handed?”
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A tree walks into a bank and asks for a loan. The teller says, “You’ll have to speak to our branch manager.”